THE MISERABLE BASTARD'S REVIEW OF THE YEAR PART II

Anne Hathaway as Selina Kyle in "The Dark Knight Rises". Helping geeks everywhere build one bicep.

CINEMA:
Another monumentally average year for cinema with the same old influx of superheroes and remakes/reboots/relapses. Oh shut up, you and I fucking loved it. I'm not going to pretend to be one of these fucking film know-alls who shouts off their pie-holes, like the non-smoker who stands in the outside smoking area, screaming that we have "declared war on air", about some Russian 16 hour long art film that just consists of a man spelling "communism" with his own shit. Balls to that and balls to you, cine-twat.

Yeah, there was some independent flicks that stood out for me (We Need To Talk About Kevin and Killer Joe especially) but mention one film and me and the other nerds would violently foam at the mouth and vomit excitingly all over the walls. Just leave it to crust and then come back after a few days and the words "The Dark Knight Rises" would be clinging to the bricks. Sorry, that was pretty graphic.

Batman was back. Well after about 45 minutes FOR about 15 minutes. Then he was GONE for about an hour. Then he came BACK for about 15 minutes. So in a 150 minute film about Batman, we saw Batman for 30 minutes. That's 2 HOURS of NO Batman. So if my life was "The Dark Knight Rises", my Dad would be Batman. So I say fuck Batman. 

Well, if you saw the film (and if you didn't you're obviously dying of boredom talking to your own boring self) you see that Batman, the silly twat, goes and gets himself fucked by getting his back buggered by Bane and thrown into a pit. And it's all thanks to...Catwoman, who leads him to Bane and his undoing. Yes fellas, if you keep following the pussy long enough, you'll wind up getting fucked entering a pit where a lot of other men have been *drumroll*

But jokes aside, it was my favourite film of the year. Yeah, I liked "Avengers Assemble" but it just wasn't miserable enough plus the last hour was like being beaten to death with Duplo bricks. And "The Amazing Spider-Man" was amazing, if the definition of "amazing" was "dull". 

"But what about 'The Hunger Games'?!", I hear no-one cry. Although the sight of kids shooting arrows into each other and the occasional neck snap was hilarious, I zoned out after 20 minutes. I await the next instalment with the same anticipation as a 20 year old Playboy bunny awaits a flaccid Hugh Hefner in the master bedroom. 

Talking of lame cocks, my worst film of the year was "That's My Boy" starring the ever useless Adam Sandler. Yeah the guys mega-rich with a string of hugely successful films behind him so I think he won't mind if I call him a talentless (and I'm not *'ing this one) cunt. 

Other holocausts thrown my way include "This Means War" where two talented actors (Tom Hardy and Chris Pine) are forced to share screen time and pretend to be attracted to Reese Witherspoon. 

But worst of all, and I feel really bad saying this because I took my niece and nephew to see this, was "Top Cat: The Movie". Possibly THE WORST film I've seen in a cinema. It made me want to jump on a plane and organise a three way with Joel Schumacher and Michael Bay. With Adam Sandler filming.